By Vicki Hughes Posted May 3, 2013
Have you ever heard words come out of your mouth and then wondered how exactly your mother was living inside of your larynx? It’s a phenomenon we really can’t explain, but it happens. Tiny versions of our mothers take root in our voice boxes and occasionally broadcast some long-standing motherly statement.
Some are standard issue, sort of the ten commandments of mother talk:
-If you sit that close to the TV, it will ruin your eyes
-Have you finished your homework?
-Where is your father, and why are fourteen of your friends here?
-What is that smell?
-Roll your eyes at me one more time, and let’s see what happens
But some of them are unique to an individual family. A phrase gets started, and it just settles in to become a staple. Ours is: What’s The Plan?
This seemingly simple phrase is a catch-all for times when we want to know all the details and have a full sense of control of all variables, and an iron clad guarantee that everything will be perfect, and nothing has been overlooked or will go awry.
When I hear myself say this, I don’t even hear it in my own voice. I hear it in my Mom’s voice. It’s like looking at a picture of George W. Bush with a funny quote of his over it. You end up reading it to yourself in your best George W. Bush impersonation.
What’s The Plan? (You just read that in George W. Bush’s voice, didn’t you?)
In my growing up years, I soon learned that this common question was going to require some actual, factual answers. To reply, “I dunno,” was a one way ticket to, “Well then, you’re not going.” I quickly figured out that details, and the more details the better, were the magic pixie dust to getting my way.
The Plan must include, in no particular order: Where am I going, a list of all attendees, a brief, colorful description of those people, their background and how I know them, what time the festivities will begin, what time preparations for leaving for the festivities will begin, what will I be wearing to the festivities, is it ironed, will I need a snack before I leave in case the food doesn’t arrive in a timely fashion, will the food be spicy/garlicky/salty/raw/Cantonese/jiggling, what time will I leave, how many miles is it to the place where I am going, which route will I take, is it the safest route in case of a tsunami/tornado/flash flood/Sasquatch attack, do I have my driver’s license, an emergency road kit, my AAA card, a snake bite kit, and emergency whistle, and bottled water in the car, and the mandatory, CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE!
All these years later, as a mom, I realize that the quiz about The Plan is an automatic, knee jerk response that mothers develop as a way to feel some tiny bit of okay when our children leave the imaginary safety of being in our line of sight, where we believe nothing bad is ever allowed to happen. Knowing The Plan feels like the antidote to bad ju-ju. It’s how mothers cope.
Unfortunately, no amount of knowing The Plan is ever as effective as we imagine. Things change, life is unpredictable, and even if we know The Plan, it almost always changes. It can be frustrating to not have a Money Back Guarantee that all will go as planned, but it rarely does. We have to learn to roll with the punches, adapt, and re-route when necessary. But you still need to call me when you get there.
© Vicki Hughes 2013
I guess when a woman’s Life Plan is to have a child she just naturally wants to know those little plans :0). But you still need to call me when you get there
Ah how I remember telling my parents the “plan” and then changing those plans while out and about with the first plan lol. Always got me into trouble. Your Daddy’s phrase is “final phase”. For those that don’t know this means we are nearing home or our destination could be a mile away or 2 hours away and please don’t disrupt the final phase with a potty break hahahahahaha. As for call me when you get there I taught my kids that is “common courtesy” so I don’t worry, I now am being told the same thing by them lol
Oh as an added note in a complete role reversal, when I was hauling my horses a few days ago Nick requested I call when ever I stopped along the way : ). Common courtesy. I like it!
I remember telling my mother a plan but i could never tell her the “Real Plan” or i wouldn’t have been allowed to go.No telling what my kids have told me the plan was when it was something entirely different.At this point i don’t even want to know : )
Sometimes what happens is better than the plan anyways ; )
I HATED this as a teenager. But I rarely went out (I have always been happier at home with a book). When I did go out we always kind of made plans as we went along so my answers were “Well these folks are going….. so and so is driving…. food will probably be involved.” I had a curfew so there was no “when will you be home?”
Thanks to hubby being army I still have to hear this phrase. Only now I get the joy of saying “I don’t know” or “we’ll figure it out later” or “I’ll be there when I get there.” and the best answer ever (that I have only gotten to use once) “I will slit your throat if you ask me that one more time.” This was used after repeatedly giving the same answers in regards to The Plan and The Timeline. Not my fault someone either doesn’t listen or has no short term memory.